Care

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God works in mysterious ways. I have had to be alone in order to discover that I am not alone. It has been seven months since my dear husband of 38 years lost his battle with cancer and went home to be with the Lord. During those years together I thought of myself as a "we" and not so much as an "I".

It's not that I lost my individuality, but that much of my life was about: what we were going to eat, what movie we were going to see, changes we were going to make around the house, problems we were going to solve together. Someone cared if you were late, who you saw, what she said, how your day was. I have been a "we" for so long that I continue to speak in terms of "we".

The reality that I am no longer a "we" but am a widow, single, alone, causes great fear if I dwell on it. This reality has opened the door for Jesus to take His rightful place in my life. I've known in my head that Jesus is always with me, but now I am experiencing the reality that he will never leave me or forsake me. I find myself talking to Jesus and reminding myself of His presence. When I come home from a meeting at night, I say, "O.K. Lord, we're going into this empty house together." When I am overwhelmed with decisions that need to be made, I tell Him how I feel and ask for His help. Much of the time I have a sense of Jesus' presence. Sometimes though, the silence, emptiness, and grief are very overwhelming. I try to remember that Jesus is well acquainted with these feelings. He understands and is with me. I need to walk by faith, not by feelings.

Since there are many visual reminders that I am alone, I try to keep scriptures and other quotes of Jesus' presence in sight. Isaiah 41:10 reminds me, "Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Instead of looking anxiously about, I focus on all the reminders of God's faithfulness and presence. I remember how He has walked with me through past trouble and given me His strength. I need to listen to hymns and spiritual songs that remind me that He is in me, beside me, in front of me and behind me. Music for me brings life and sound into the house, and encouragement and peace to my spirit.

Many of the reminders of God's presence have been in the form of His people. Besides offering all kinds of practical support, God's people have reminded me that I am not alone and that Jesus is always with me. This has been so helpful when my faith wavers. God has continued to remind me that He can use me even though I am single. "The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few." He has a plan for my life that is good. Since He is in me and with me, there is hope for the future. The bookmark of St. Teresa ends with the statement, "Nothing is wanting to one who possesses God. God alone suffices." God in His grace and mercy is beginning to teach me about His sufficiency. I have a new sense of the meaning of the word "we".

Updated February 12, 2010