Care

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At the age of 22, I found myself desperately lacking the will to live. It seemed to me that I could no longer control anything in my life. As a result of my decision, I was hospitalized for a time and was treated for chronic depression and anxiety. During this time, I questioned God's presence in my life and everything I had ever been taught about Him. I wasn't sure about a God who would let me suffer in such a way that I had to take medication and be watched closely to make sure that I did not harm myself.

God's presence in my life had not made sense to me for a long time. When I was young, my father was hurt on the job and could no longer work. Around the same time, my mother began suffering from a medical condition and due to poor medical treatment, became seriously ill. Needless to say, our family began operating in crisis mode. I did not know a day when things were "okay", because my father's inability to work and my mother's frustration often created a hostile environment. My instinct was to steer clear by staying out of the house as much as I could.

I did not know it at the time, but God was taking care of me by introducing me to a youth group in the area. Later I joined an extra-curricular activity at school, so between church, school activity and a part-time job, I spent little time at home. Though I was heavily involved in the church, I had little knowledge about what it meant to be a child of God. As time passed, I became increasingly frustrated with God and my inability to create peace at home.

My time in the hospital raised many questions. Maybe this is the life I was meant to live. Was I just being ungrateful to God? After all, why should I have a car that is paid for? Why should I have a stereo and computer - or a decent job - or a master's degree - or wonderful friends - or an income? Who am I that I should be alive? In one sense, I did not feel I deserved anything but in another, I felt I did deserve it.

After I was released from the hospital, nothing much changed. I still had the nagging feeling that life was not worth living, but I didn't have the strength to act on it. I developed a way to deal with it: I slept a lot. By this time, I had been attending COS regularly for about two years. I had met wonderful people who seemed to be genuinely concerned about my well-being. One evening, I received a phone call from a friend at COS. As we talked, she could tell that I was feeling depressed. She asked me if she could come over. I told her that I didn't have much to say; she responded that she was happy just to sit and be with me. She wanted to come alongside me in a way that would mean something to me and not to her. It was clear to me that her purpose in coming over was not to bring attention to herself but to the grace of God. For me, that evening signified the beginning of my journey toward understanding how the presence of God made sense in my life.

As a result of our conversation, my friend suggested that I meet with someone from the Caring Ministry to receive some guidance about how to break free from the anxiety and depression from which I suffered. The person I met with listened to my concerns and asked the right questions. She didn't expect me to articulate things well. She just let me share. That meeting was a significant turning point for me.

As a follow-up to our meeting, she sent me something to read and I realized for the first time that I was living as a victim. I saw that in my mind, nothing was ever my fault. Now troubled, but in a good way, with understanding what grace is in relation to my sin, I embarked on a fact-finding journey.

I must admit that I still do not completely understand the concept of grace. My human mind simply cannot understand such unconditional love and kindness. I used to think that God cared more about the lilies of the valley than about me, but grace has taught me that God loves me so much. Now God's presence in my life makes sense to me. It is He who moves toward me with all the love a father could have for a daughter. It is an honor for me to live the life that He has given to me and to know that His presence in my life makes complete sense.

Updated February 12, 2010