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How can I know for sure that I am really God's child? Was my faith in Jesus as a young child strong and accurate enough? Did I pray the right way? How do I know since I don't even remember what I prayed when I "asked Jesus into my heart" when I was six years old? How can I know for sure that God's promises are true for me? I fear that I have, or will, commit a sin that is unpardonable; consequently, I worry a lot about what I do and don't do to try to avoid sin, guilt, and condemnation. But I continue to sin and fail.

These fears make it difficult for me to approach God with confidence. Since I struggle with such basic issues of my faith, how can I minister or witness to anyone? I don't even want to share my struggle with others because I should be beyond this by now; this struggle is embarrassing and ongoing. Surely people would get tired of listening to me and praying for me regarding this issue.

These thoughts have dominated my heart and mind for quite a while. They have caused me to live unknowingly as a "slave": scared, insecure, confused, desperate, exhausted, discouraged, trying (but failing) to earn God's approval through my performance, focusing on my sin and failures, and jealous of other Christians who don't seem to struggle with these issues. In all of this, however, my focus has been on ME, and not on God.

Over this past year, God has brought me back to the Foundation of my faith, namely Jesus Christ Himself! 1 Cor 3:11 says, "...no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ". Jesus and His work ALONE is the foundation of my faith, and not anything I have done. Apart from His grace, I would never even turn to God or realize my need for Him (Rom 3:10-18). So my very faith, and my desire NOT to sin, are all evidences of God's work in me. I am learning to focus on what God has already done for me and in me. Any focus on myself for initiating or sustaining my salvation only contributes to my aforementioned fears.

Since Jesus is my Foundation for salvation and life, He has initiated and made possible a personal relationship with me. I am learning that in my fears, doubts, and worries, I can and need to relate to Jesus: express my fears and feelings to Him, ask Him for help and wisdom, and REST in HIM instead of trying to figure it all out on my own. Peace abounds when I take God at His word when He says I have become His own child through faith in Jesus. I can then live in the security of my position in Christ; this helps me to live freely and obediently, being motivated by love, instead of fear.

For me, this battle has been long, and it continues. God, however, has been utterly faithful through it all. He has sustained my faith in Him, even when my heart was on the verge of growing cold or I was tempted to turn away from Him or give up. BY HIS GRACE, I CANNOT turn away from Him, even when that means only being able to cry out "Save me!" or "Help me overcome my unbelief!" Through this, God has shown me the hold He has on my soul because I'm His (Heb 6:19). He has encouraged me in specific ways through His word, through interactions with others, and through music. He has used these mediums to repeat important truths to my heart, and to increase my trust in Him and my intimacy with Him. He has also taught me that He will provide sufficient grace for each day just as I need it, to teach me daily dependence on Him.

I had prayed earnestly that God would provide at least one other person to walk through this battle with me; I felt very isolated and I knew it was too difficult for me to face alone. As always, the Lord was faithful. Early this year He brought a Christian friend into my life who walked with me through some of the roughest times of my trial. God also enabled me to continue to share my struggle with a few other, Christian friends, including one from the Caring Ministry here at COS who met with me consistently for a couple of months. God knew I needed these precious friends to speak truth and comfort to me, especially in the "thick of the battle". My Heavenly Father used these friends to continually point me back to Himself and His Son, and to give me a clearer picture of Who He was, and who I was as His child.

I'm thankful God is helping me understand my Foundation better, for without a firm Foundation, I have NO security! My peace comes not from knowing exactly when I first received Jesus or from examining the strength of my own faith. It doesn't even come from completely understanding God's word. Rather, my peace comes from taking God at His word, trusting Jesus to be my ONLY Foundation, seeing His work in me, and seeing Him continue to sustain my faith. All that I have, including my faith, I have received from God. "What do you have that you did not receive?" (1 Cor 4:7). Through my struggles, I have found it is much sweeter to trust Jesus than to strive to figure things out on my own. For "My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him." (Ps 62:1)

Updated February 12, 2010